My Sister

My sister doesn't like to visit amputees' houses because she claims she can smell the limb somewhere in the house.  She's a lawyer by day, cadaver dog by night.

Random Thought

If I were the man who paints himself silver and performs street art, I would just paint everything in my house silver so I wouldn't have to worry about getting silver on anything.

Things My Grandmother Says

My grandmother now lives in senior housing.  She is 90 years old and has befriended one of the younger residents, 70 year old Stella.  She has taken to wearing lip gloss and big earrings in an effort to appear younger.  She even had her hair cut exactly like Stella's.  She let Stella's daughter do the cutting and it looks absolutely terrible, but she's happy so we let it go.  Apparently, she just found out that Stella drinks.  Our most recent conversation regarding Stella went like this:

Grandmother:  "That Stella is a drunk!  I don't think I can be friends with her anymore!"

Esmerelda:  "What happened?"

Grandmother: "She had a huge glass of beer in the hall.  I don't know how people could drink that stuff.  I tried it once and it was terrible.  I put it back in the refrigerator after taking a sip and it stayed there for a long time.  I couldn't offer it to anyone because I had drank from the can.  I eventually threw it away.  Have you ever tried beer?"

Esmerelda:  "Yes."

Grandmother:  "Did you like it"

Esmerelda:  "Well, not at first, but now I enjoy a nice cold beer every now and then."

Grandmother:  "Oh, well you must have practiced until you started liking it.  I didn't practice because I didn't want to like it!".

Esmerelda:  "Well, I never thought about it like that, but I guess so."

She's hilarious.

Things my Grandmother Says...

As we are driving down the street, Grandmother looks out of the passenger side window and says, "Ooh, look at that woman on the bike.  That's not a young woman!".

Esmerelda:  "I have a coworker that rides her bike to work everyday and she's in her 60's.

Grandmother:  "You tell her to stop doing that because she's way too old".

Esmerelda:  "Okay". Shrugs shoulders.

Grandmother Pauletta

I think it's time to revive this blog with a series called "Things My Grandmother Said"

I notice my grandmother has called my office phone, so I call her back.  This is how our conversation went:

Grandmother - "Hello."

Esmerelda - "Hello."

Grandmother - "Oh, you're calling me back?"

Esmerelda - "Yes."

Grandmother - "I forgot what I called you for."

Esmerelda - "Okay."

Grandmother - "Bye!".

Esmerelda - "Bye."

Fat Acceptance?

Is there too much fat acceptance in America today? My sister and I have been talking about this lately. Why is it acceptable to be a slob? What's with all the "I love my body" big women on tv and in magazines? I say they should get their fat asses in the gym and push back from the table a little sooner. I know it's not easy to commit to working out, but why should it be? If you want to look good, it takes work. If you don't, keep eating those donuts.

Attack of the Midgets (I know...midget is a politically incorrect term)

Last Spring, my friends and I took a little road trip to visit an acquaintance, Jerry, in Columbus, Ohio. Every year, Jerry throws a big party at his house with a live band, games, swimming, etc. Since my friends and I live in Chicago, we usually travel to Columbus by car.

On the morning after the party and before we begin our journey home, Jerry and his friends take my friends and I to breakfast at their local Bob Evans. Well, as we were having our casual breakfast, in walks a group of black midgets. We were quite intrigued because we had never seen such a large gathering of midgets at one time so we may have gawked at them a bit. But, I don't think we were rude or said anything offensive. Apparently, they didn't like the attention because the next thing we know, a bunch of midgets approach our table and one of them sticks her head in the window of our booth (if you've ever been to Bob Evans, you know the tables are set up kind of like a small country house, with windows and curtains). My friend immediately reaches over and closes the curtain over her face. We had a good laugh, but the midgets glared at us from their table throughout the rest of our meal. When we were done, we ran to the car and got out of there as fast as we could. I can talk a great deal of bullshit, but I'm not trying to kick any midget ass.

Later, as we were driving towards the highway, we passed a bunch of circus tents. No wonder there were lots of little, black midgets, the UniverSoul Circus was in town!

Free Kill Card

You know, I was thinking about how to solve the overpopulation of America and I think I've come up with a solution. Every upstanding citizen, over the age of 30, should be issued a free kill card. With this card, you are allowed one free kill. No punishment or backlash allowed. If you are so mad about someone killing a person you love with their free card, just kill them with yours....no harm, no foul.

This program could backfire because people may be reluctant to use their free kill card, preferring to save it for someone who really gets on their nerves. I've discussed the free kill card with my co-workers who sort of liked the idea, but they thought it needed a little twist. They suggested either issuing one free kill card or three beat down cards. That way, you could opt out of all out killing someone and just give a few people serious beat downs. I don't really like that idea, because the same person could get beat down several times. My program does not promote suffering....just killing.

What do you think of my idea?